Get caught up on the Real Housewives and laugh at the same time. For only $6.50, receive an ebook (PDF format) of a hilarious compilation of Susan Alexander tweets from the 2012 season of each episode for Real Housewives of Orange County (Season 7), Real Housewives of New Jersey (Season 4) and Real Housewives of New York (Season 5) . Below are just a few of my tweets that have been featured on Bravo TV for each show.
To purchase, click on this link Buy Now and include email address. Allow for 24 hours to receive ebook.
Funny Females Susan Alexander and Sandy Stec at San Francisco's most popular
comedy work out room called The Brainwash with Tony Sparks every Thursday
night. Special thanks to Charlie Ballard and Dave Medina for filming the
Singles Who Mingles Debuts in New York City
I am very excited to be hosting my Singles Who Mingle show to New
York City at the legendary Gotham Comedy Club on Wednesday, September 30th.
The first part of the show features a variety of comedians from TV, festivals
and national tours. Then the comedians will mingle and break the ice with
the singles in the audience turning the show into a fun singles mixer.
Below are the featured comedians on the line-up:
Susan Alexander - Host of Singles Who Mingle Dana Lovecchio - 5 Funny Females Tour Jessimae Peluso - Boston Comedy Festival Stone and Stone - NBC's Last Comic Standing
Singles Who Mingle Hosted by Susan Alexander
Laugh. Mingle. Have Fun.
Location: Gotham Comedy Club
Address: 208 West 23rd Street , NY , NY 10011
Date/Time: Wednesday, September 30th @ 8 PM (arrive by 7:30 PM)
Very proud to be debuting my first 5 Funny Females merchandise which are these
awesome navy blue, soft brushed cloth hats that fit everyone!
Funny Females Cap!
Funny Females Sold Out Show in Dracut, MA on 4.4.09 and New 5 Funny Females
Hats! Left to Right: Chantal Carrere, Susan Alexander, Andrea
Henry, Maria Ciampa & Bethany Van Delft
5 Funny Females Hats are available for purchase after each show and also online
by emailing email@example.com for
1 Hat = $15
2 Hats = $20
(plus standard shipping & handling)
ONE SIZE FITS ALL
February 2009 Going Back to Cali
Going back to California for my West Coast shows in February. See you at one
of the shows. LOS ANGELES - February 26th Please call 323-856-0036 for reservations for 5 Funny Females on Feb. 26th.
IFC's Mary Van Note for 5 Funny Females @ MBar Hollywood
SAN FRANCISCO - February 27th and 28th Please email to reserve seats @ firstname.lastname@example.org for
Feb. 27th & 28th
January 2009 Year in Review
Such a fun and exciting 2008. This year represents my fifth year in
stand-up comedy and I have had a few great experiences in 2008.
Going on three (3) years, I have been able to continue my packed and
fun 5 Funny Females shows which has toured over 12 US cities to date.
My 2008 shows included NYC, New England, Boston, Chicago and of course where
I started comedy in San Francisco. 5 Funny Females also brought forth
offspring shows like 5 Funny Fags (love the gay boys) and 5 Funny Friends
(mix of everyone funny) then 2009 will have 5 Funny Filipinos. Yes, I love
to alliterate those FFFs. The October San Francisco shows were filmed by
Rooftop Comedy and clips can be viewed at http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/events/5funnyfemales.
This past summer I was selected as a semi-finalist in the Friars Club:
So You Think You Can Roast? contest and was honored to be able to roast
George Takei (Sulu from Star Trek). Take
a look at the clip. I appreciated
everyone’s votes and support for this contest. Even
though I did not win, I did get invited to the Friars Club Matt Laurer
which was awesome. The most surreal part was seeing Tom Cruise LIVE
roasting Matt at the beginning of the show. No matter how Scientology
couch jumping crazy he is, he was hot in person.
It seems that 2008 created some really cool press coverage for me.
At the beginning of 2008, I was interviewed in the Boston Globe and
featured in the Boston Phoenix with press coverage across the country.
To end the year, I was featured as comic of the week in Time Out New
York. Click here
to view the PDF. There will be some fun interviews
published in January and February 2009. Check back on my website for
more press clippings in 2009.
Most importantly, I want to give a special thanks to everyone who has
supported me in stand-up comedy to coffee houses to the Friars Club. Please
keep coming out to support my LIVE shows this year.
HAPPY 2009! November 2008 Little Escapes
Changing seasons and lots of celebrating are just some of the reasons
I love November. Most importantly, November is my birthday month and also
it is Veterans Day which has become special to me since my father who served
20 years in the military passed away.
After college, I moved to New York City and came home one summer
in 1997, he finally told me of his time in Vietnam.
You took a shower and you were still covered
with sweat. That’s how hot the jungle was in Vietnam.” my
military dad informs me while drinking his light beer.
I was around military men the first 10 years of my life and always noticed
they drank beer. Then they switched to light beer to stay fit and also
to be able to drink all day. My dad would have a couple of beers on the
weekends on his ‘walks’ to escape my mother. Realizing that
my parents stayed married for so long because they had little ‘escapes’ from
My dad was lucky that he did not have Vietnam ‘hear
the choppers coming for you’ type flashbacks since he created his
little escapes from the war and my mom.
Little escapes have become a form of relaxation for me. Because the computer
more like facebook has become an addiction I need to have little escapes
in the real world. My dad has his bars (which I still enjoy) and I go to
the nail salon for my manicure/pedicure escape. The salon I go to has the
latest magazines but most importantly they carry The Globe. The Globe is
almost as good as my National Enquirer the original gossip tabloid that
is 90% correct.
I escape relaxing having either a Korean or Hispanic lady working
on my feet. On the West Coast in San Francisco, I prefer my Vietnamese
manicurist Jenny at Trio Nails and gives the best manicures and also introduce
me to Vietnamese food. In New York City, I have found a couple of nice
places not the same but they do a good job. The vibrating chairs and the
whirlpool at my feet make me feel like I have escape into my own oasis
for a couple of hours.
To complete the escape, I will take a look at
the National Enquirer at the local grocery store and I will only buy if
my horoscope is positive.
AUGUST 2008 Crackling Chicken
‘Crackling Chicken on the bone’ is the first phrase out of
my mouth when I return to New York City from the road. In New York City,
there are these amazing inexpensive take-out places in the city that are
half Cuban/half Chinese. It is a must to order Crackling Chicken on the
bone and not white meat to enjoy this inexpensive heart attack food. The
way to make this meal semi-balanced is to get the Avocado salad to complement
this juicy and tasty chicken.
The chicken, most likely neighborhood pigeon or
cat, used for Crackling is seasoned in spicy batter then deep fried.
Crackling Chicken is a treat for me, since most food at comedy clubs
make the 7-Elevens and Qwickie Marts food selection look gourmet.
As one can imagine, the food at most comedy clubs
have more are saltier than in the Dead Sea.
Let me set the scene at the food preparation of food at most comedy clubs.
Waitresses at these clubs are working hard and have to multi-task on weeknights
and be bartenders/cooks. While they are taking drink orders, ignoring sexual
advances from customers, they have to microwave the chicken wings or if
the club is exotic, jalapeño poppers. There is a science to microwaving
but not going happen at the club. From my college days, I learned the best
way to microwave is to cover the food with Saran Wrap then put it in microwave.
The waitress grabs the wings or poppers from a Costco sized frozen bag
and puts a handful on the paper plate. The she proceeds to microwave the
food for 90 seconds no matter what type of food. Almost 99% of the time
the food is usually half super hot then the other half cold.
Of course that never stopped me from eating the
food because I do love wings. I would just add Tabasco sauce to spice
up the cold half.
This year, I am grateful to be performing at venues with my 5 Funny Females
Tour serve amazing food. We even have had the shows catered with Sushi
Rolls to Mediterranean dishes. That is great for the audience but for the
comedians who are performing, we usually eat after the show which means
cold food anyways.
From my five years in stand-up comedy, it seems that the bigger the venue
(think theaters and Madison Square Garden) you get to perform in the less
food is served. I want my audience to be starving so I can fill them up
Then we can all go out after the show for Crackling
Chicken on the bone!
It is still unbelievable to me that there were
410 kids in that one compound in Texas with 12 year old girls married
to 60 year old men, it’s like a Woody Allen convention with out
the Korean girls.
Springtime in the Upper West Side of New York City is a happy and desperate
time of year. All these yuppie women are hoped up on fertility drugs and
it’s like the NFL Draft season in the neighborhood.
They are pushing their TRIPLE seated strollers
down the sidewalk pushing everyone out of the way to get to that fancy
organic store called Whole Paycheck.
Some of those strollers are pimped out and cost over $2,000. That is
more than my last used car I had in San Francisco. All the parents that
failed at their own hopes and dreams are putting all their money into their
babies as their last chance.
When I look at some of these Botox faces of women
pushing their strollers in Central Park, it reminds me of high school
with fancy toys and illegal nannies.
There have some Mommy cliques, Daddy cliques and nannies cheating with
the Daddies cliques. To me this is absurd that you have two parents in
the park and they bring their nanny to watch one kid. Maybe I’m just
jealous of all the attention these kids are getting or realize they are
raising the next needy guy I will be dating.
Seeing all the kids is just a reminder that I have about 10 eggs
left that I had better freeze or have a good time with men in their 20’s.
I just need to consult my Magic 8 ball to determine my destiny.
Recently, I endured what was possibly the most painful, soul-shattering
experience of my entire life: I took a "laughing yoga" class.
I knew this would be the bane of me before I even walked through the
door. From the second I saw the smiley-face graphics on the website, I
knew I was a goner. The overuse of giant fonts and "Tee-Hee!" had Ritalin written
all over it. And I’ve always been this way. I’ve always hated
anything "happy." Not normal happy things, like a tax refund
or Cake Batter ice cream from Cold Stone. I’m talking about annoying happy
things. Hyperactive, immature, in-your-face things. Sappy-sweet and uber "chick" things.
Corporate America, in-denial things. Think "Steve O" meets "Oxygen
network" meets "Team building" exercises in the large conference
room. God- I’m annoyed already.
Even when I was 4 years old, and my parents took me to Disneyland’s "Country
Bear Jamboree," I made it known I wanted nothing to do with it. As
recently retold to me by my mother, the bears apparently encouraged everyone
in the room to "Sing along!" and "Clap your hands!" So,
everyone did. Including my parents. And I was mortified. So mortified,
in fact, that I slapped their hands and shushed them
until they stopped.
See? Even as I child I was an a-hole.
Last week was no exception. To say I was struggling would be putting
it lightly. To say I was IN HELL would be more accurate. It started as
soon as I walked in, and the teacher asked me to introduce myself to the
class. As we gathered in a circle, I awkwardly tried to make "small
talk" with the 15 senior citizens forced to listen:
"Hello! My name is Sandy- I’m on the radio. I’m
a dj for Mix 106.5 in San Jose…."
"I’m also a stand-up comedian and have a late-night show
I’m filming on Comcast…"
"Uh….And I’m here today to film this class because
I think people watching would really get a kick out of it."
"And oh- I’m also a VERY angry person and pretty bitter
I thought that would "break the room." It didn’t. And
that pissed me off even more. At least when I’m getting heckled,
I’m getting a reaction. How could a class about laughter let me bomb
like that? Hypocritical bastards.
Our teacher, the joyous pro she is, skated right over my humorous attempt
and explained the "rules" of the class.
" Our number one rule is to have fun!" She said, beaming
with pride. "When we’re here, we leave our worries at the
Uh-Oh. Strike One. I like to talk my shit out.
"But before we start laughing, we need to know where our laughter
comes from. So everyone put your hand over your belly button. Now, after
me, say HA-HA-HA!"
As a group, everyone smiled and said, "Ha Ha Ha!" I was already
looking at my watch.
"Now, put your hands just above your belly button and laugh
again. This should be a higher pitched sound like, this: Hee- Hee- Hee!" she
A high-pitched "Hee Hee Hee!!!" collectively filled the air.
People were really getting into it. I wanted to die.
"Now that you know where your laughter comes from, I want you
practice with someone else. Try pointing your finger at them as if you’re
playfully scolding them. Don’t forget to make eye contact!"
You want us to point and be laughed at? This is worse than
childhood. I felt like I was in a room full of special-ed kids
after too many Mountain Dews.
And then, an ultimate low.
"Now, take one of your arms and scratch the top of your heads.
With your other hand, scratch your under-arms as if you’re a chimpanzee.
Don’t forget to make eye-contact when you laugh!!!"
Are you fucking KIDDING me? You want us to pretend we’re CHIMPS????
This was an absolute nightmare. People were in hysterics, scratching
their underarms with their hands and jumping up and down in the air. I
looked at the camera as if it were the only person in the room who could
"PLEASE HELP ME" I said while staring at the lens. I felt like Tom
Hanks in Castaway the moment his manic and hysterical state forced
him to befriend a volleyball. Where was my Wilson?
After we were done pretending we were chimps, and chickens, and mosquitoes,
we got to be SPRINKLERS. Yes, human sprinklers who’s laugher served
as nourishment to the ground below.
"Uh-Oh!" our teacher exclaimed. "Looks like
a bunch of flowers have bloomed!! Go ahead- pick one!"
You want us to pick a fake fucking flower????
I couldn’t believe this. Here I was, an "adult", standing
in a room full of people who were smelling imaginary flowers that their "human
sprinkler" cultivated. All this….and no Pink Floyd.
I would go on…..but I can’t. It’s just too painful
to relive. I will only mention there were fuzzy hats, bubbles, squeaky
toys, and a Laughing Elmo. And tons of shame. On my behalf, mostly.
Towards the end of the class, we all sat in a circle as each one of us
reflected on our experience that night.
"I just feel so good and so energized!" One woman
"I can’t stop laughing!" another woman said.
"I feel like I’m a kid again," the man next
to me said.
Now it was my turn. I paused, and gave the most dignified answer I could.
Haven’t been addicted to a TV show in sometime, since Dick Wolf
started up the Law & Order Sex and Psycho spin-off shows, then it happened,
I turned on TNT one day and it was a marathon day of Cold Case. These marathons
on the cable station, allow those too lazy or not interested in DVR/Tivo
to get an overload of one show. Cold Case has a damaged heroine who is
always in turmoil but solves these cases of dead people that now seems
to have solved and are filed away into the ‘Cold/Dead’ files.
Now the heroine played by Kathryn Morris always seems to have awkward blonde
hair that is pinned up and looks funky but I think that is to keep us on
The set-up of every show is set in flashbacks with killer soundtracks.
Whatever respect I lost for Jerry Bruckheimer for making Pearl Harbor,
I have regained watching the Cold Case TV shows. Seeing the stories from
the dead people’s point of views and the Cold Case is solved at the
end of the show.
Of course, they have the single girl heroine living with like three cats
she rescued. One is missing an eye to symbolize how damaged she is and
the men she selects. That was just me projecting myself on to the lead
Love that the show takes place in Philadelphia and the fact that my home
state of Pennsylvania is represented. PA is ‘real’ America
in one state. There are the wealthy area but mostly buckets of dairy/Amish
farmland, raped mining hills near Pittsburgh and some rural parts that
have a little bit of that banjo song going threw your head.
What I really like that show takes place in PA is that I recognize some
of the smaller counties and towns they talk about. When I am on the road
and lucky enough to catch, Cold Case, I do feel a little homesick when
I watch the show. However, mostly I feel calm even though it’s about
Entering Supermarket: Mood is positive. I’ve entered the grocery
store and although I don’t have a shopping list per se, I have several
reminders of my goals: food is essential; beer is not food; you will
be hungry every day this week at least once a day. They are offering free
samples of frozen yogurt! The grocery store is like a wonderful restaurant
where there is the potential for everything to be on the menu!
Hour 1: Mood is still positive. There have been several set backs.
After some reconsideration, I realized I would need a basket. Then after
experience arm strain in the baking aisle due to a sudden impulse to make
a cake from scratch, basket was aborted for a cart. I experienced some
confusion perhaps due to low blood sugar, having come into the store hungry,
and could not locate basket of already shopped for items once I secured
a cart. Began again. Discovered my abandoned basket and realized that I
made completely different choices on my second supermarket run (I am such
a Libra!). Went back to original choices. Still excited about that cake.
Decided to eat a bag of cheese doodles to help power through.
Hour 2: Mood is weary. Needed to take a bathroom break due to extended
time spent in supermarket. The bathroom is not easy to find. Make a note
for the future, it is near the meat (good idea or bad idea?). Have made
several treks from one side of the grocery store to the other in search
of items. Made the decision to get a basket and use it as a day pack when
I need to make long journeys away from my cart in search of food items.
Have begun to bring a granola bar or drink to snack on during searches
for particularly difficult to find items. Cocktail onions are not where
you would suspect!
Hour 3: Mood is anticipation! A friend is coming to visit me! My
roommate called me to ask if I needed anything from the store and I told
her I was in the store already but was happy to hear she would be joining
me. She said that we just need toilet paper for the house and I assured
her that I know where it is and will be able to save her a great deal of
time when she gets here.
Hour 4: Mood is confused and delirious. Many things have gone wrong.
Sitting in paper towel aisle. Have discovered that this aisle is the warmest
and demands the least amount of decision making powers. Regrouping. Unsure
where cart is located.
Hour 5: Mood is determined. Went back to basics. Discovered my first
basket of items and decided to just go for it. I think I might use the
self-checkout lane. Electronic voice is soothing.
Supermarket Hour 6: VOICE IS NO LONGER SOOTHING
Home: Mood is dismay. Made it home with only the ingredients for
Mac and Cheese and a home-made cake. Saw note that tomorrow I will probably
be hungry again. Mac and Cheese from a box needs more ingredients than
I anticipated. Going out to get beer.
My dad died over five years ago but he still comes to me in my dreams.
On the last visit, he had an unusual request.
“Susan, can give me some dating advice in heaven.” Dead Dad
“Dad, you’re in heaven. Aren’t you still married to Mom?” I
“It was cheaper for me to die than divorce your mom. Don’t
hate, Susan. Now give your Dead Dad some dating tips.” Dead Dad said.
“Okay. Stay away from the women clapping their hands and singing
in the choir because they’ll bring their stuff and wanna live on
your cloud. Stick with the women hanging at the gates with one foot
in heaven and one in hell. They're the good time girls” I said.
I’m sure he is with me in my waking life but doesn’t wanna
see me overeating, drinking and having sex or ‘dating’ a variety
Listen, I remember the meal I had five years ago
on May 20th at 8 PM but I don’t remember the guy’s name I
had sex with that night. That’s how much food sometimes is more
significant then the men in my life. Weather it is right or wrong, it
1. Scenario -- I would like to publish an article on the topic of
polyamory, then have someone disagree with the article in a rude, confrontational
fashion. Then I could tell them 'Hey, go F--- yourself,' and have it count
as polite advice. Seriously, if they think polyamorous relationships are
not for them, self love is a valid option!
2. My friend is writing a fascinating book about the atheism/Christianity
debate in America. It's a brilliant idea. The last time I congratulated
myself for a brilliant idea, it was because I invented a sci-fi character
with talking boobs. It just shows the difference between other people doing
brilliant things, and me doing brilliant things. I think I set the bar
a bit lower for myself. And rightly so as it seems.
3. I learned that SUV marketing is specifically arranged to target middle-aged
men who are insecure about their marriages or lives. Ok, I see partial
appeal -- they buy a COLOSSAL MASSIVE ... car. Because it makes them feel
like they have this GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS ... er car. But COME ON PEOPLE OF
AMERICA WHAT IS GOING ON?! I remember the old days, where a middle aged
man would have a mid-life crisis by buying a motorcycle and finding a younger
woman. They can skip the find a home wrecker part, but for crying out loud
WHO DECIDED IT WAS OK TO REPLACE THE MOTORCYCLE WITH AN SUV?! Come on,
if you're going to have a midlife crisis, have it in style for chrissake!
Buy a Harley, or I don't know, something fast and shiny and loud. PLEASE.
An SUV. Good lord. If you are going to freak out, go and have a proper
mid-life crisis please. (It's ok if you skip buying/wearing leather motorcycle
pants. If you have not noticed...almost NO ONE looks good in leather pants.)
4. I learned a lot of people in their mid to late twenties have what
is called a quarter-life crisis. I am going to write a book on my personal
experiences with this crisis, it's going to be called 'Whine Whine Whine
Life Sucks (Would You Shut Up Already You Aren't Even Old or Anything).'
5. They always say if you put a bunch of guys together and leave them
unattended they will find something retarded to do with their free time,
like hit each other with baseball bats, or have a contest to see who can
do the best job skateboarding into a brick wall. What they NEGLECT to mention
is if you leave women unattended it's much worse. They will go to the mall
and purchase stupid-ass crap that COSTS FAR TOO MUCH FOR WHAT IT IS, like
skin moisturizer for $250 and a $400 outfit they'd fit into once they drop
those last 20 lbs they've been trying to drop for 2 years now, and the
whole time talk about so-and-so and did you see her hair it is like a train
wreck immortalized in hairspray, seriously, did you know you could build
a hairdo akin to a topiary hedge? And FRANKLY... if I had to pick a retarded
activity to spend my afternoon doing I would MUCH RATHER skateboard into
a brickwall. AT LEAST IT'S FREE. And nobody cares about your hair or your
makeup, because you're only going to muss it up anyway if you plan at having
a shot winning the wall-face-plant-after-drinking-a-beer-and-riding-a-skateboard
I've noticed, the last few times I've been to the mall, I've been
accosted by a swarm of Euro Fags.
They'll leap out at you while you're trying to get to your favorite
"Escuze eh mee, Mees? Can I eh show you sonnting?"
They'll come at you with a spray bottle, some "miracle" moisturizer
from the Alps, flying indoor planes, or some other un-heard of piece
of crap that's a waste of space and time. You think you can sneak by them...but
before you know it, an olive-skinned Gallagher is dry humping your
leg in hopes of an upsell.
What bothers me isn't them trying to sell me on their temp-job expertise.
It's the grease.
Their greasy, curly, Euro-fag locks that are often pinned up in a
ponytail or scrunchy atop their finely unwashed hair.
Yes- I said scrunchy.
Look- I don't care what part of Croatia you're from. A scrunchy on
a dude is fucking gay. The only person who could kind of get away with
it is David Beckham. And I said kind of. I've seen plenty of pictures of
him with a miniature scrunchy in his frosted locks, and I had two initial
1) " Wow- that's kinda gay."
2) " I bet he's got a great dick."
No such luck at the local mall, though. My initial thoughts there were:
1) "GO AWAY."
2) "Are you fucking KIDDING me?"
Where do they find them? Are they all related? Did they come through
Ellis Island with hopes of selling cheap perfume and hair extensions?
Now I sound like an asshole. And this certainly isn't about judging a
person based on their race, roots, gender, or any of that stuff.
It's about judging them because they think 'tall, dark, and handsome'
equates to an elf-like unibrow and 6 ounces of Joop. It wouldn't be as
annoying if they weren't breathing down your neck constantly. Even Fabio
wasn't that bad. Then again, Fabio wasn't selling Prada knock-offs next
to Sunglass Hut. (Really, though; how long can faux-butter residuals last?)
What can I say? Hair mayonnaise and an accent just doesn't get me
like it used to.
Now, throw in a free sample.....and we can talk.