Real Housewives Tweet Fix – Volume 1

Get caught up on the Real Housewives and laugh at the same time. For only $6.50, receive an ebook (PDF format) of a hilarious compilation of Susan Alexander tweets from the 2012 season of each episode for Real Housewives of Orange County (Season 7), Real Housewives of New Jersey (Season 4) and Real Housewives of New York (Season 5) . Below are just a few of my tweets that have been featured on Bravo TV for each show.

To purchase, click on this link Buy Now and include email address. Allow for 24 hours to receive ebook.

Real Housewives of Orange County




Real Housewives of New Jersey




Real Housewives of New York




Watch Susan Alexander co-host The Denial Show. New clips every Tuesday!

JULY 2011

Kim Catrall In Denial

Gwyneth Paltrow in Denial

December 2010

Dancing with the Stars In Denial

Emma Watson In Denial

July/August 2010

Watch Susan Alexander co-host The Denial Show . New clips every Tuesday!

Ryan Seacrest In Denial

Al Gore In Denial



April/May 2010

5 FUNNY FEMALES LIVE AT THE PURPLE ONION DVD TRAILER




October 2009

Funny Females Susan Alexander and Sandy Stec at San Francisco's most popular comedy work out room called The Brainwash with Tony Sparks every Thursday night. Special thanks to Charlie Ballard and Dave Medina for filming the video.


September 2009

Singles Who Mingles Debuts in New York City

I am very excited to be hosting my Singles Who Mingle show to New York City at the legendary Gotham Comedy Club on Wednesday, September 30th. The first part of the show features a variety of comedians from TV, festivals and national tours. Then the comedians will mingle and break the ice with the singles in the audience turning the show into a fun singles mixer.

Below are the featured comedians on the line-up:

Susan Alexander - Host of Singles Who Mingle
Dana Lovecchio - 5 Funny Females Tour
Jessimae Peluso - Boston Comedy Festival
Stone and Stone - NBC's Last Comic Standing

Singles Who Mingle Hosted by Susan Alexander
Laugh. Mingle. Have Fun.

Location: Gotham Comedy Club
Address: 208 West 23rd Street , NY , NY 10011
Date/Time: Wednesday, September 30th @ 8 PM (arrive by 7:30 PM)

Tickets: $15 plus two drink minimum
BUY TICKETS @ http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com
Phone: 212.367.9000

See you at the show. Thank you for your continued support.

IFC's Mary Van Note for 5 Funny Females @ MBar Hollywood


SAN FRANCISCO - February 27th and 28th

You took a shower and you were still covered with sweat. That’s how hot the jungle was in Vietnam.” my military dad informs me while drinking his light beer.

I was around military men the first 10 years of my life and always noticed they drank beer. Then they switched to light beer to stay fit and also to be able to drink all day. My dad would have a couple of beers on the weekends on his ‘walks’ to escape my mother. Realizing that my parents stayed married for so long because they had little ‘escapes’ from each other.

My dad was lucky that he did not have Vietnam ‘hear the choppers coming for you’ type flashbacks since he created his little escapes from the war and my mom.

Little escapes have become a form of relaxation for me. Because the computer more like facebook has become an addiction I need to have little escapes in the real world. My dad has his bars (which I still enjoy) and I go to the nail salon for my manicure/pedicure escape. The salon I go to has the latest magazines but most importantly they carry The Globe. The Globe is almost as good as my National Enquirer the original gossip tabloid that is 90% correct.

I escape relaxing having either a Korean or Hispanic lady working on my feet. On the West Coast in San Francisco, I prefer my Vietnamese manicurist Jenny at Trio Nails and gives the best manicures and also introduce me to Vietnamese food. In New York City, I have found a couple of nice places not the same but they do a good job. The vibrating chairs and the whirlpool at my feet make me feel like I have escape into my own oasis for a couple of hours.

To complete the escape, I will take a look at the National Enquirer at the local grocery store and I will only buy if my horoscope is positive.

AUGUST 2008
Crackling Chicken

‘Crackling Chicken on the bone’ is the first phrase out of my mouth when I return to New York City from the road. In New York City, there are these amazing inexpensive take-out places in the city that are half Cuban/half Chinese. It is a must to order Crackling Chicken on the bone and not white meat to enjoy this inexpensive heart attack food. The way to make this meal semi-balanced is to get the Avocado salad to complement this juicy and tasty chicken.

The chicken, most likely neighborhood pigeon or cat, used for Crackling is seasoned in spicy batter then deep fried.

Crackling Chicken is a treat for me, since most food at comedy clubs make the 7-Elevens and Qwickie Marts food selection look gourmet.

As one can imagine, the food at most comedy clubs have more are saltier than in the Dead Sea.

Let me set the scene at the food preparation of food at most comedy clubs. Waitresses at these clubs are working hard and have to multi-task on weeknights and be bartenders/cooks. While they are taking drink orders, ignoring sexual advances from customers, they have to microwave the chicken wings or if the club is exotic, jalapeño poppers. There is a science to microwaving but not going happen at the club. From my college days, I learned the best way to microwave is to cover the food with Saran Wrap then put it in microwave. The waitress grabs the wings or poppers from a Costco sized frozen bag and puts a handful on the paper plate. The she proceeds to microwave the food for 90 seconds no matter what type of food. Almost 99% of the time the food is usually half super hot then the other half cold.

Of course that never stopped me from eating the food because I do love wings. I would just add Tabasco sauce to spice up the cold half.

This year, I am grateful to be performing at venues with my 5 Funny Females Tour serve amazing food. We even have had the shows catered with Sushi Rolls to Mediterranean dishes. That is great for the audience but for the comedians who are performing, we usually eat after the show which means cold food anyways.

From my five years in stand-up comedy, it seems that the bigger the venue (think theaters and Madison Square Garden) you get to perform in the less food is served. I want my audience to be starving so I can fill them up with laughs.

Then we can all go out after the show for Crackling Chicken on the bone!

MAY 2008
Springtime for Breeders

Written by Susan Alexander

It is still unbelievable to me that there were 410 kids in that one compound in Texas with 12 year old girls married to 60 year old men, it’s like a Woody Allen convention with out the Korean girls.

Springtime in the Upper West Side of New York City is a happy and desperate time of year. All these yuppie women are hoped up on fertility drugs and it’s like the NFL Draft season in the neighborhood.

They are pushing their TRIPLE seated strollers down the sidewalk pushing everyone out of the way to get to that fancy organic store called Whole Paycheck.

Some of those strollers are pimped out and cost over $2,000. That is more than my last used car I had in San Francisco. All the parents that failed at their own hopes and dreams are putting all their money into their babies as their last chance.

When I look at some of these Botox faces of women pushing their strollers in Central Park, it reminds me of high school with fancy toys and illegal nannies.

There have some Mommy cliques, Daddy cliques and nannies cheating with the Daddies cliques. To me this is absurd that you have two parents in the park and they bring their nanny to watch one kid. Maybe I’m just jealous of all the attention these kids are getting or realize they are raising the next needy guy I will be dating.

Seeing all the kids is just a reminder that I have about 10 eggs left that I had better freeze or have a good time with men in their 20’s. I just need to consult my Magic 8 ball to determine my destiny.

Laughing Yoga: It's No Laughing Matter

Written by Sandy Stec

Recently, I endured what was possibly the most painful, soul-shattering experience of my entire life: I took a "laughing yoga" class.

I knew this would be the bane of me before I even walked through the door. From the second I saw the smiley-face graphics on the website, I knew I was a goner. The overuse of giant fonts and "Tee-Hee!" had Ritalin written all over it. And I’ve always been this way. I’ve always hated anything "happy." Not normal happy things, like a tax refund or Cake Batter ice cream from Cold Stone. I’m talking about annoying happy things. Hyperactive, immature, in-your-face things. Sappy-sweet and uber "chick" things. Corporate America, in-denial things.  Think "Steve O" meets "Oxygen network" meets "Team building" exercises in the large conference room. God- I’m annoyed already.

Even when I was 4 years old, and my parents took me to Disneyland’s "Country Bear Jamboree," I made it known I wanted nothing to do with it. As recently retold to me by my mother, the bears apparently encouraged everyone in the room to "Sing along!" and "Clap your hands!" So, everyone did. Including my parents. And I was mortified. So mortified, in fact, that I slapped their hands and shushed them until they stopped.

See? Even as I child I was an a-hole.

Last week was no exception. To say I was struggling would be putting it lightly. To say I was IN HELL would be more accurate. It started as soon as I walked in, and the teacher asked me to introduce myself to the class. As we gathered in a circle, I awkwardly tried to make "small talk" with the 15 senior citizens  forced to listen:

"Hello! My name is Sandy- I’m on the radio. I’m a dj for Mix 106.5 in San Jose…."

(crickets)

"I’m also a stand-up comedian and have a late-night show I’m filming on Comcast…"

(more crickets)

"Uh….And I’m here today to film this class because I think people watching would really get a kick out of it."

(silence)

"And oh- I’m also a VERY angry person and pretty bitter in general."

I thought that would "break the room." It didn’t. And that pissed me off even more. At least when I’m getting heckled, I’m getting a reaction. How could a class about laughter let me bomb like that? Hypocritical bastards.

Our teacher, the joyous pro she is, skated right over my humorous attempt and explained the "rules" of the class.

" Our number one rule is to have fun!" She said, beaming with pride. "When we’re here, we leave our worries at the door!"

Uh-Oh. Strike One. I like to talk my shit out.

"But before we start laughing, we need to know where our laughter comes from. So everyone put your hand over your belly button. Now, after me, say HA-HA-HA!"

As a group, everyone smiled and said, "Ha Ha Ha!" I was already looking at my watch.

"Now, put your hands just above your belly button and laugh again. This should be a higher pitched sound like, this: Hee- Hee- Hee!" she mimicked.

A high-pitched "Hee Hee Hee!!!" collectively filled the air. People were really getting into it. I wanted to die.

"Now that you know where your laughter comes from, I want you practice with someone else. Try pointing your finger at them as if you’re playfully scolding them. Don’t forget to make eye contact!"

You want us to point and be laughed at? This is worse than childhood.  I felt like I was in a room full of special-ed kids after too many Mountain Dews.

And then, an ultimate low.

"Now, take one of your arms and scratch the top of your heads. With your other hand, scratch your under-arms as if you’re a chimpanzee. Don’t forget to make eye-contact when you laugh!!!"

Are you fucking KIDDING me? You want us to pretend we’re CHIMPS????

This was an absolute nightmare. People were in hysterics, scratching their underarms with their hands and jumping up and down in the air. I looked at the camera as if it were the only person in the room who could understand me.
"PLEASE HELP ME" I said while staring at the lens. I felt like Tom Hanks in Castaway the moment his manic and hysterical state forced him to befriend a volleyball. Where was my Wilson?

After we were done pretending we were chimps, and chickens, and mosquitoes, we got to be SPRINKLERS. Yes, human sprinklers who’s laugher served as nourishment to the ground below.

"Uh-Oh!" our teacher exclaimed. "Looks like a bunch of flowers have bloomed!! Go ahead- pick one!"

You want us to pick a fake fucking flower????

I couldn’t believe this. Here I was, an "adult", standing in a room full of people who were smelling imaginary flowers that their "human sprinkler" cultivated. All this….and no Pink Floyd.

I would go on…..but I can’t. It’s just too painful to relive. I will only mention there were fuzzy hats, bubbles, squeaky toys, and a Laughing Elmo. And tons of shame. On my behalf, mostly.

Towards the end of the class, we all sat in a circle as each one of us reflected on our experience that night.

"I just feel so good and so energized!" One woman said.

"I can’t stop laughing!" another woman said.

"I feel like I’m a kid again," the man next to me said.

Now it was my turn. I paused, and gave the most dignified answer I could.

"I feel like I’m in a psych-ward." I said.

Everybody laughed. I wasn’t kidding.

MARCH 2008
New Addiction

Written By Susan Alexander

Haven’t been addicted to a TV show in sometime, since Dick Wolf started up the Law & Order Sex and Psycho spin-off shows, then it happened, I turned on TNT one day and it was a marathon day of Cold Case. These marathons on the cable station, allow those too lazy or not interested in DVR/Tivo to get an overload of one show. Cold Case has a damaged heroine who is always in turmoil but solves these cases of dead people that now seems to have solved and are filed away into the ‘Cold/Dead’ files. Now the heroine played by Kathryn Morris always seems to have awkward blonde hair that is pinned up and looks funky but I think that is to keep us on our toes.

The set-up of every show is set in flashbacks with killer soundtracks. Whatever respect I lost for Jerry Bruckheimer for making Pearl Harbor, I have regained watching the Cold Case TV shows. Seeing the stories from the dead people’s point of views and the Cold Case is solved at the end of the show.

Of course, they have the single girl heroine living with like three cats she rescued. One is missing an eye to symbolize how damaged she is and the men she selects. That was just me projecting myself on to the lead character.

Love that the show takes place in Philadelphia and the fact that my home state of Pennsylvania is represented. PA is ‘real’ America in one state. There are the wealthy area but mostly buckets of dairy/Amish farmland, raped mining hills near Pittsburgh and some rural parts that have a little bit of that banjo song going threw your head.

What I really like that show takes place in PA is that I recognize some of the smaller counties and towns they talk about. When I am on the road and lucky enough to catch, Cold Case, I do feel a little homesick when I watch the show. However, mostly I feel calm even though it’s about dead people.

Supermarket Journal

Written by Jess Sutich

Entering Supermarket: Mood is positive. I’ve entered the grocery store and although I don’t have a shopping list per se, I have several reminders of my goals: food is essential; beer is not food; you will be hungry every day this week at least once a day. They are offering free samples of frozen yogurt! The grocery store is like a wonderful restaurant where there is the potential for everything to be on the menu!

Hour 1: Mood is still positive. There have been several set backs. After some reconsideration, I realized I would need a basket. Then after experience arm strain in the baking aisle due to a sudden impulse to make a cake from scratch, basket was aborted for a cart. I experienced some confusion perhaps due to low blood sugar, having come into the store hungry, and could not locate basket of already shopped for items once I secured a cart. Began again. Discovered my abandoned basket and realized that I made completely different choices on my second supermarket run (I am such a Libra!). Went back to original choices. Still excited about that cake. Decided to eat a bag of cheese doodles to help power through.

Hour 2: Mood is weary. Needed to take a bathroom break due to extended time spent in supermarket. The bathroom is not easy to find. Make a note for the future, it is near the meat (good idea or bad idea?). Have made several treks from one side of the grocery store to the other in search of items. Made the decision to get a basket and use it as a day pack when I need to make long journeys away from my cart in search of food items. Have begun to bring a granola bar or drink to snack on during searches for particularly difficult to find items. Cocktail onions are not where you would suspect!

Hour 3: Mood is anticipation! A friend is coming to visit me! My roommate called me to ask if I needed anything from the store and I told her I was in the store already but was happy to hear she would be joining me. She said that we just need toilet paper for the house and I assured her that I know where it is and will be able to save her a great deal of time when she gets here.

Hour 4: Mood is confused and delirious. Many things have gone wrong. Sitting in paper towel aisle. Have discovered that this aisle is the warmest and demands the least amount of decision making powers. Regrouping. Unsure where cart is located.

Hour 5: Mood is determined. Went back to basics. Discovered my first basket of items and decided to just go for it. I think I might use the self-checkout lane. Electronic voice is soothing.

Supermarket Hour 6: VOICE IS NO LONGER SOOTHING

Home: Mood is dismay. Made it home with only the ingredients for Mac and Cheese and a home-made cake. Saw note that tomorrow I will probably be hungry again. Mac and Cheese from a box needs more ingredients than I anticipated. Going out to get beer.

January 2008
Dead Dad Dating Advice

Written by Susan Alexander

My dad died over five years ago but he still comes to me in my dreams. On the last visit, he had an unusual request.

“Susan, can give me some dating advice in heaven.” Dead Dad said.

“Dad, you’re in heaven. Aren’t you still married to Mom?” I said.

“It was cheaper for me to die than divorce your mom. Don’t hate, Susan. Now give your Dead Dad some dating tips.” Dead Dad said.

“Okay. Stay away from the women clapping their hands and singing in the choir because they’ll bring their stuff and wanna live on your cloud. Stick with the women hanging at the gates with one foot in heaven and one in hell. They're the good time girls” I said.

I’m sure he is with me in my waking life but doesn’t wanna see me overeating, drinking and having sex or ‘dating’ a variety of men.

Listen, I remember the meal I had five years ago on May 20th at 8 PM but I don’t remember the guy’s name I had sex with that night. That’s how much food sometimes is more significant then the men in my life. Weather it is right or wrong, it tasted good.

Random Things That Amuse Me Vol. 28

Written by Erikka Innes

1. Scenario -- I would like to publish an article on the topic of polyamory, then have someone disagree with the article in a rude, confrontational fashion. Then I could tell them 'Hey, go F--- yourself,' and have it count as polite advice. Seriously, if they think polyamorous relationships are not for them, self love is a valid option!

2. My friend is writing a fascinating book about the atheism/Christianity debate in America. It's a brilliant idea. The last time I congratulated myself for a brilliant idea, it was because I invented a sci-fi character with talking boobs. It just shows the difference between other people doing brilliant things, and me doing brilliant things. I think I set the bar a bit lower for myself. And rightly so as it seems.

3. I learned that SUV marketing is specifically arranged to target middle-aged men who are insecure about their marriages or lives. Ok, I see partial appeal -- they buy a COLOSSAL MASSIVE ... car. Because it makes them feel like they have this GIGANTIC, ENORMOUS ... er car. But COME ON PEOPLE OF AMERICA WHAT IS GOING ON?! I remember the old days, where a middle aged man would have a mid-life crisis by buying a motorcycle and finding a younger woman. They can skip the find a home wrecker part, but for crying out loud WHO DECIDED IT WAS OK TO REPLACE THE MOTORCYCLE WITH AN SUV?! Come on, if you're going to have a midlife crisis, have it in style for chrissake! Buy a Harley, or I don't know, something fast and shiny and loud. PLEASE. An SUV. Good lord. If you are going to freak out, go and have a proper mid-life crisis please. (It's ok if you skip buying/wearing leather motorcycle pants. If you have not noticed...almost NO ONE looks good in leather pants.)

4. I learned a lot of people in their mid to late twenties have what is called a quarter-life crisis. I am going to write a book on my personal experiences with this crisis, it's going to be called 'Whine Whine Whine Life Sucks (Would You Shut Up Already You Aren't Even Old or Anything).'

5. They always say if you put a bunch of guys together and leave them unattended they will find something retarded to do with their free time, like hit each other with baseball bats, or have a contest to see who can do the best job skateboarding into a brick wall. What they NEGLECT to mention is if you leave women unattended it's much worse. They will go to the mall and purchase stupid-ass crap that COSTS FAR TOO MUCH FOR WHAT IT IS, like skin moisturizer for $250 and a $400 outfit they'd fit into once they drop those last 20 lbs they've been trying to drop for 2 years now, and the whole time talk about so-and-so and did you see her hair it is like a train wreck immortalized in hairspray, seriously, did you know you could build a hairdo akin to a topiary hedge? And FRANKLY... if I had to pick a retarded activity to spend my afternoon doing I would MUCH RATHER skateboard into a brickwall. AT LEAST IT'S FREE. And nobody cares about your hair or your makeup, because you're only going to muss it up anyway if you plan at having a shot winning the wall-face-plant-after-drinking-a-beer-and-riding-a-skateboard competition.

Euro Fags

Written by Sandy Stec

I've noticed, the last few times I've been to the mall, I've been accosted by a swarm of Euro Fags.
They'll leap out at you while you're trying to get to your favorite store.

"Escuze eh mee, Mees? Can I eh show you sonnting?"

They'll come at you with a spray bottle, some "miracle" moisturizer from the Alps, flying indoor planes, or some other un-heard of piece of crap that's a waste of space and time. You think you can sneak by them...but before you know it, an olive-skinned Gallagher is dry humping your leg in hopes of an upsell.

What bothers me isn't them trying to sell me on their temp-job expertise.

It's the grease.

Their greasy, curly, Euro-fag locks that are often pinned up in a ponytail or scrunchy atop their finely unwashed hair.

Yes- I said scrunchy.

Look- I don't care what part of Croatia you're from. A scrunchy on a dude is fucking gay. The only person who could kind of get away with it is David Beckham. And I said kind of. I've seen plenty of pictures of him with a miniature scrunchy in his frosted locks, and I had two initial thoughts:

1) " Wow- that's kinda gay."

And

2) " I bet he's got a great dick."

No such luck at the local mall, though. My initial thoughts there were:

1) "GO AWAY."

And

2) "Are you fucking KIDDING me?"

Where do they find them? Are they all related? Did they come through Ellis Island with hopes of selling cheap perfume and hair extensions?

Now I sound like an asshole. And this certainly isn't about judging a person based on their race, roots, gender, or any of that stuff.

It's about judging them because they think 'tall, dark, and handsome' equates to an elf-like unibrow and 6 ounces of Joop. It wouldn't be as annoying if they weren't breathing down your neck constantly. Even Fabio wasn't that bad. Then again, Fabio wasn't selling Prada knock-offs next to Sunglass Hut. (Really, though; how long can faux-butter residuals last?)
What can I say? Hair mayonnaise and an accent just doesn't get me like it used to.
Now, throw in a free sample.....and we can talk.

Big Pimpin'.....Costco Style.

Click here to view an archive of Blogs from 2006 & 2007>>

Check back each week to read a new blog from the rotation of stand-up comedians on the 5 Funny Females Tour.